People wanting “magic bullets” to make the emotional pain go away do no understand the side effects. Here are my thoughts on the subject.
What’s Wrong … with Being a Human Magnet?
You’re in a relationship where you give and give, but never get anything back – this could be anything from work to romance. You’re always concerned whether or not people like you, and you always try to please everyone. It’s exhausting trying to keep everyone happy, isn’t it? It goes so far that you feel like you’re being manipulated! You are even in an abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist who manipulates you mercilessly. Guess what? You are codependent! http://psychcentral.com/lib/21-tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/
The term codependency has earned a bad reputation in popular psychology. http://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-codependence/ Codependent means you are a people pleaser, your sense of well-being comes from helping other people. This becomes a problem only when you give to the point of being taken advantage of – and keeling over from just giving too much! It first described the caregiving that adult children of alcoholics give to a parent who was absent – both physically and emotionally due to their addiction. http://www.dr-mcginnis.com/codependency.htm It has broadened now to include children who become caregivers to parents with mental health conditions, which forces you to become the caregiver – the adult in the relationship.
You say to yourself, “Hey, being caring isn’t bad!” It isn’t! But if you look at the great majority of abusive relationships, your abuser usually has a dual diagnosis of a personality disorder and addiction. And you, the abused spouse, is more often than not codependent! http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/08/the-dance-between-codependents-narcissists/ The narcissist is responsible for the abuse, but you (the codependent) also play a role in staying in that abusive, dysfunctional relationship due to the desire to heal, fix and repair the “broken” spouse – usually way too long! Think about these words to live by: You did not break them, you cannot heal them!
Okay, so you’re a “Human Magnet”! How do you stop? http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/02/okay-okay-so-im-codependent-already-now-fix-it/ Know what you’re worth! Grow your self-esteem and do not allow anyone to show you disrespect or use and abuse you. Find a good therapist well versed in CPTSD and trauma bonding, develop strong and healthy boundaries, and start working on the childhood issues that primed you to be codependent!
Help us out by joining us Saturday at Noon AZ MST when Kris and Steve talk with Ross Rosenberg, counselor and author of the book “Human Magnet” because we want to show you how to stop doing that!
Ashley Madison is a website devoted to setting up “discreet encounters” – affairs! However, most of the women on the site were and by and large still are “fembots”, not real people – or they were “escorts” – prostitutes! http://www.digitaltrends.com/opinion/john-mcafee-how-no-one-got-laid-on-ashley-madison/ But one of their biggest weaknesses is a failure to verify email addresses. You can use anybody’s address – yours, your grandmother’s, your boss’, Justin Bieber’s, anybody’s. Since the data dump, Ashley Madison says they’re doing great http://techcrunch.com/2015/08/31/ashley-madison-says-business-is-booming/ but how many people are being unjustly judged and accused? How many people signed up out of pure curiosity? And how many marriages are now tanking because of the security breach? http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-34072762
If you are in a relationship, why cheat? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/the-eight-reasons-people-cheat-their-partners You may stray from a committed relationship because your needs are not being met, or you are just narcissists who wants to prove you are desirable. Problems occur when your spouse accuses you of affairs, both physical and emotional, when you have in fact been faithful. Lack of trust often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy; you get tired of being accused and decide that if you’re doing the time, you might as well do the crime. It’s not a valid excuse, but you might try to use it! https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201211/healing-the-cycles-tear-couples-apart
The fallout from the Ashley Madison hack has been huge. http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/fallout-from-ashley-madison-hack-continues-and-other-news-0828151 There are two suicides which may be related to the breach and there will be countless wrecked marriages and relationships. There is also talk of massive lawsuits and the company is offering a bounty for the hackers. http://www.cnet.com/news/ashley-madison-puts-bounty-on-hackers-heads/ Do the hackers have a moral stance, or is what they did wrong? http://fortune.com/2015/08/19/ashley-madison-media/ It was illegal, but some people will undoubtedly be pleased with the outing of this website’s users.
The biggest question asked in marital counseling when there has been an affair is, “Can the relationship survive?” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/for-the-betrayer_b_3269327.html Yes, but only if you own up to what you did, go to intense individual therapy and figures out why you cheated, and your spouse/significant other works on their own issues as well. “After the Affair” can help couples work through the breach of trust. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/for-the-betrayer_b_3269327.html
No need to be discreet, join us Saturday at Noon AZ MST on starworldwidenetworks.com as Kris and Steve ask the hard questions of those who cheat and have been cheated on, because we want to know what questions you have for them! Can they survive the betrayal?
In Greek mythology, Narcissus is the son of a god and a nymph who was renowned for his beauty, and who had disdain for any who loved him. Nemesis (yep, real name of the Greek spirit of retribution against those who succumb to arrogance before the gods) attracted him to a reflecting pool where he fell in love with his reflection and drowned. Narcissism is named for this character, and like any disorder it falls along a spectrum. Maybe you’re full of yourself, but when does it cross into being a disorder? When you begin to hurt those around you to satisfy your own ego, it crosses into narcissistic personality disorder.
If you have malignant narcissistic personality disorder, you are manipulative, self-centered, and demanding. You may become aggressive when called on your bad behavior, twisting the words of the spouse, friend, or child so everything sounds like it’s that other person’s fault when in fact it’s yours. You could become vindictive and play passive-aggressive “tit-for-tat” games totally out of proportion of any perceived slight. You might become jealous, accusing your spouse or lover of cheating where no real evidence exists. You could end up pursuing your own goals at the expense of your spouse and children, and you’ll constantly rewrite history to make people around you question themselves! https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
Narcissists can initially be charming – you’ll morph yourself into whatever you think the other person wants. But real emotions will frighten you. You can only pretend to have real emotions long enough to achieve your goal, but once attained the mask comes off. Your true cruelty and lack of empathy will come through. You’ll love projecting your own faults on to those around you – including spouse and children – sabotaging them so that no one’s more successful than you. The disorder is closely related to psychopathy, with irrational and magic thinking, and the need to degrade and harm the very people who love you! https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/i-deserve-the-best-entitlement-in-narcissists
If you have malignant narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll look for one of two types of relationships: someone with borderline personality disorder (which ensures a drama filled nightmare of a relationship where both of you compete to be the victim) or a basic, nice person – someone you can easily manipulate. If they’re also a little insecure, so much the better! Your spouse or loved one will ask for marital counseling and you will refuse to go. That is, until the spouse or loved one starts to leave! Then you will go until the counselor starts calling out your responsibility for problems in the relationship. At that point, you will storm out of therapy, or insist that it isn’t working and refuse to do the homework. You will convince your partner to also stop therapy because “it’s not working!” https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/pay-attention-me-when-is-it-borderline-disorder
If you have narcissistic personality disorder, you’ll be verbally (and maybe physically) abusive. You will seek to isolate your victim from their family and friends. You will accuse them of disloyalty to you and set up “me or them” scenarios. You will humiliate them in public at every opportunity and make everything wrong in your life somehow their fault. You will devalue them, belittle them and undermine them, twisting everything you’ve done to appear they somehow deserved it. Then you will suddenly be nice right when they’ve had enough and are on their way out the door. Your abused friends and family need to trust your actions, not your words! https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/feelings-emptiness-not-just-borderline-trait-anymore
They’ve recognized they are in a massively unhealthy relationship. Your loved ones have tried to get out several times. The malignant narcissist in you cries and promises to stop treating them badly and you do … for a time. They feel depleted emotionally and are questioning their own sanity and sense of self. You persist in trying to make them insecure in an effort to keep them afraid to leave. What do they do? How can they extract themselves from this toxic person you’ve become without feeling the sting of guilt you throw at them every time they try to leave? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part Wait, let’s flip the script here.
This story has been about your spouse, partner, parent, or friend – not you! You’re the one being abused, not the abuser. What can you do? Recommended reading to start your journey away from the abusive person is Rokelle Lerner’s “The Object of My Affection is My Reflection: Coping with a Narcissist”. Recommended listening is Richard Grannon’s SpartanLifeCoach.com YouTube videos discussing how to get out of a toxic narcissistic relationship! https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH
This Saturday, we traverse space and time (like that New Horizons spacecraft that flew past Pluto) and bring The Spartan Life Coach, Richard Grannon, into our studio all the way from England! Join us, because we want to hear your thoughts on dealing with an abusive narcissistic relationship!